


The Decision

by Missy



Category: Emperor's New Groove (2000)
Genre: Gen, Humor, Poor Life Choices, Pre-Canon, Supernatural Elements, Yuletide Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-24
Updated: 2015-12-24
Packaged: 2018-05-08 22:54:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5516279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missy/pseuds/Missy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kronk makes the mistake of outsourcing one of the biggest choices he's ever made to his shoulder angel and devil. Yep.  This is gonna go poorly...</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Decision

**Author's Note:**

  * For [wtb](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wtb/gifts).



She spotted him in the field, balancing six whole bales of hay against his hip. That was his shoulder devil’s idea, though even he would never tell anyone that truth when the weight of the choices they'd made together revealed their true heft. The devil also directed him to put down the bale before he accidentally crushed the skinny woman eyeballing him from her phaeton. He gave her a bow and a grin. 

She asked him directions to the palace. Those he didn’t have. So he invited her in for some home-made spinach puffs and cool water while he searched for someone who knew the way back.

Alone together in his humble house, the little one he’d whipped together with his bare hands so he could get a bit of grown-up distance from Papi and Mami, he poured water as she sized him up. Soon she explained that she was the emperor’s adviser and that she was looking for a new assistant. Then her charm – so to speak – spilled forth with sudden, bracing honesty. “You know,” she purred. “I’ve never seen someone so…HANDY…in this forsaken city. Surely there are OTHER things you’re just as good at?”

She tried to wink at him and managed to blink both eyes instead, completely out of sync. He could’ve sworn he saw a cloud of dust puff up and rise from her wrinkled lid.

“Uhhh,” Kronk said, recoiling slightly.

“I don’t know about this, big guy,” the angel said, sitting on his right shoulder. “She seems a little old-evil. Like ancient evil. I’ll have to ask around, I have a feeling she’s older than the dinosaurs.”

“Eh, what does he know?” the devil replied, from the opposing shoulder. “She’s offering you power and fame for a little bit of hanky panky! If you take her offer you’ll be able to totally stick it to Papi! You could be somebody! Someone important and cool, with a fancy house and a cool set of oven mitts!”

“Don’t listen to him!” the angel said. “The last time you did that we ended up running away after you lost Mami’s favorite llama! You remember how that went – four days hiding in the jungle getting nipped at by panthers!”

“Hey, why’re you complaining?” the devil asked. “We learned conversational mountain lion during that trip!”

“Uh guys, can you calm down?” Kronk asked. “You’re both giving me a headache.”

“Either you want our help or you wanna go it alone,” said the shoulder devil. “And trust me, you don’t wanna go it alone against this lady. She looks…”

“Scary beyond all reason?” the shoulder angel asked.

“For once we agree,” said the shoulder devil.

When Kronk glanced back at the older woman, she was watching him with quiet suspicion. “Uh…just talking to myself out loud.” Which sounded worse, but it was true. 

“Riiight. So would you like to come with me to the palace, or should I kidnap you and have you brought to me in chains….I mean, should I visit you?”

“Did you hear that?” hissed the angel in Kronk’s ear. “She’ll do anything to have you!”

“Yeah, she’ll do anything to have you! Just think about the possibilities!”

“Must you?” muttered the angel. 

“Hey, loosen up! It’s about time junior here saw something besides the rear end of a llama - not offense to llamas.”

“Good. I was just about to get mad at you for making fun of Sue.”

“I don’t believe you named your favorite llama,” the devil said.

“Her mother abandoned her!! She’s all alone in the world!”

“Yeah yeah, you helped him bottle-raise her from a small baby, we’ve got it already.” 

“Just because YOU’RE anti-llama doesn’t mean everybody hates them,” the angel said.

“Sue spat on me. Scuse me for holding a grudge.”

“Iiii’m going to visit the little girl’s room,” Yzma said suddenly. “Let me know what you decide…and choose wisely. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, Kronk.”

“I know,” Kronk admitted. Then he rubbed the back of his neck and sighed. Once she was otherwise occupied he could at least communicate with the angel and devil more efficiently.

“Uh guys…you’re not really helping me with my whole do-I-go-with-Yzma or not problem.”

“Sorry,” they said together. 

“Why don’t we flip a coin?” the angel said. “I’ll take tails.” 

“Fine! Heads is the side for winners. Heads _Rules!_.” Then silence. “Do you have a coin?” the devil asked.

“Does it look like I have pockets in this thing?” the angel shook out the hem of his white robe. “I barely have room for my halo down here!”

“I have to do everything around this mind,” sighed the devil. It took a bit of digging about in his own pockets, but he finally picked out a small coin from his pocket. “Heads we leave, tails we stay,” the devil reminded him. 

“Fine! Toss it!” 

The coin immediately wobbled in mid-air before sliding down the slope of Kronk’s throat and between his pecs. 

“Guys, quit messing around,” Kronk whispered, eyeing the little coin where it lay. “She already thinks I’m weird enough as it is.”

“Yeah well, she can stuff her opinions if she doesn’t like us! We’re a package deal.” The devil said.

“He is right about that,” said the angel. “We have been with you since your youth.”

Kronk sighed. “Guys, I still don’t’ know what I should do. Should I stay or should I go?”

“Stay,” said the angel.

“Go,” said the devil. 

“UGH!” Kronk rubbed his temples. “You’re still giving me a headache!” 

“Kronk, I’m going to appeal to your best side – your smartest, wisest, kindest side – and I’m going to ask you one little question – do you want to spend the rest of your life hooked up with a scary-beyond-all-reason dame who’s got more wrinkles than a pickle?”

“She’s got money,” the devil said in the other ear. “You can think of the empire! Just do it, you won’t regret it.”

Kronk paused. He furrowed his brow. And finally, from deep within, came the decision. “Huh. Y’know what?”

“What?!” angel and devil cried together.

“I think I’m gonna go with what the little guy in red said. I like his costume.”

“You’re going to let your life be decided by the color of a costume?!” gasped the angel. 

“He seems smart,” Kronk said. “And you seem a little goody goody, no offense. But I think it’s time for me to spread my wings and fly and stuff.”

“Kronk, if my hands were big enough I’d strangle you,” the angel said.

“Wise move, big guy! See you at the emperor’s table!” the devil said.

And Kronk only really regretted his choice several months later, when he found himself trying to sneak an unconscious llama-shaped emperor out of the palace. But that’s another story.

**Author's Note:**

> Have a happy Yuletide!


End file.
